Nov. 4

Boy am I dense. Seriously dense to an unhealthy level.

I haven’t posted for quite awhile because, well, nothing different or much has been happening. The few issues that have come up are upsetting, very negative in nature, and who wants to read about that anyway? What I’ve concluded very recently, as in the last hour, might be negative, but there are positive aspects to it as well even though few in number.

Sis and I went to a newly discovered rails to trails that I simply love. I feel a sense of calm there that I didn’t feel at the one beside the river. The fact that it’s a mere 15 minutes away from my house doesn’t hurt either. The two times we’ve been there, we’ve been with her dogs while we walk together and enjoy pleasant conversations. The area is so conducive to peace, negative topics rarely enter in.

Recently she turned me onto the Garmin Forerunner 10. Connected to the internet, the route walked is mapped using GPS and Bing maps along with pace, elevation, calories, etc.. It doesn’t monitor heart rate and some other features a hardcore runner or cyclist would want. This model is perfect for the average person.

Definitely got the violet, pretty no?

The part of the trail we walk is about 3.29 miles. The walk I take Josie through the neighborhood is 2 miles. Although I walked her on the trail today, and she seemed to do alright, I would still prefer she not walk so far. I had come up with an idea of taking one of Sis’s dogs to the trail one day, the next day take the other dog, alternating them. And then take Josie through the neighborhood later in the afternoon. After all, with BIL being a professional student successfully disabling Sis’s retirement, she doesn’t always have the time to run her dogs, and this could be a way for them to get out. Well, it didn’t hurt to ask, but wait, yes it did. It did hurt. Although the trail regulations clearly state all dogs must be on a leash no more than 6 feet in length, she lets them run and leashes them up when other people approach. She walks Lindy and gives me Benny to walk. I thought she was alright with the way I was handling him based on the compliments she continues to give me re Benny & Josie. So it came as a big surprise when she told me “no I don’t want you to walk one dog because the other dog would get depressed if they’re not out together.”

In the past she has taken her stepdaughter’s dog with her crew for exercise and training. Stepdaughter had gotten a dalmation puppy about 4 months ago. Sis no longer takes the dog because she says she has fallen in love with her and wants the dog so badly she feels it’s cruel to give the dog the wonderful life she can provide only to take her back to be put in her crate where she spends most of her life.

Which brings me to my epiphany. It’s okay for Sis to take her stepdtr’s dog, leave the other one to be “depressed” (seriously? anthropomorphism much?!), but it’s not okay for me to take one dog one day, the other the next. How can I not feel it’s me? Even though we both subscribe to basically the same training methods, how can I not feel that I am not good enough? After all the shmoosing she has done to soothe my wounded ego after my past and present failures, how can I not feel very confused? The answer is simple. I am not a (insert surname) P______r.

Throughout last summer, she had several house guests at different times, all on BIL’s side. I stepped aside even though she’d have been with me anyway. She gracefully backed out of plans with me as well. All in the name of P______r. Therefore, if my name would be P______r, I feel certain and without a shadow of a doubt, I could take her dog for a walk. The only other way this would be debatable would be to believe she is the greatest dog trainer to ever grace this planet. At least I own up to my mistakes so I can improve and make my life with my dogs better.

So there it is, the answer. I’m just not good enough. Same shit, different scenario. Fuck you P______r.

 

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And part II, because you know how obsessive I can be –

I’m depressed how else can I explain it. 2 weeks now Sis and I go to this trail. She says it’ll be okay with Jos, but how does she know how she is? She knows all about my dog’s personality and quirks because she knows everything about dogs? I want this introduction to be done in a structured as calm a manner as possible or I will turn around and go home. She is not fucking up my dog. Well we have over a week to think about it so I sent her some reading material, not that she has time for it.

It’s all about her dogs running the trail because she’s all that even though it goes against the regulations. Even so I want a nice time for Josie. If I meet with any resistance, I will go home. Josie gets upset, I go home. Her dogs run off leash and it freaks out Josie, I will go home.

I lay down these rules because I advocate for her, and equally as important, it’s not all about Sis’s dogs. The second I get a feel for that, I’m so gone.

I’m pissed and depressed. Even pissed at myself for writing to her in the first place. Sending her stuff I know she doesn’t have the time to read and learn anyway. She would have to actually give a fuck first. Fuck you. and the dog you rode in on!